Lovecraftian Soap Opera
by thegeekylatina
Summary: John calls Dave. He needs help with some monster that showed up in his house in the middle of the night, for no apparent reason. But things are more complicated that they seem, because John has a guest in his house and he doesn't want to interrup her sleep. ( Lovecraft Crossover)
1. Chapter 1

We always get into trouble, even we aren't trying to find it.

But you all know that by now, especially if you live in [undisclosed]. Is like, after we took the sauce, we came up on the GPS of every goddamn species in the universe and it's parallels and they all gathered in a big monster reunion and decided to fuck with us...or at least bother us in someway.

Not that every case is a world threatening event. Some are just pranks. Monsters just passing by this universe and taking opportunity to make a drive by. You can say what you want, but a lot of monsters are not just evil, they're also dicks.

But in this case...we kinda had it coming. At least John.

Especially John.

John tries to pin me the fault on this one, because I was out that day, but this is totally his responsibility.

John and his little drunk charades.

Why didn't he just went home and pass out like other times? Why didn't he went with his crew and got high behind some Denny's?


	2. Chapter 2

I woke up that night to the sound of my cellphone ringing.

I groaned angry, as I had jumped into bed tired as hell, because I had spend all day with Amy, visiting her at college. We had been busy all day, eating, walking in the park, talking, having sex and after driving back, I just wanted to relax a bit.

But no, John had other plans for me.

- What?- I groaned.

- Dave?- he asked. He seemed agitated, which was never a good sign. Every time John call me in the middle of the night sounding like he had a gallon of red bull, bad things happened.

- I'm not in the mood for another adventure, John- I said.

- Please! Dave! Don't hang up!- he said, even I wasn't really thinking of hanging up on him. - It's going to kill me!- he yelled.

I heard a commotion on the phone and suddenly I was sitting on my bed. Even I knew this has the chance to be only a small problem, being overblown by John, I had the strangest feeling that it might actually be serious.

- Dave? Are you still there?- He asked. I could hear a door closing.

- Yes, John. What's happening?- I asked as I put on my pants- What was all that commotion I heard?-

- I just manage to lock that...thing... in the kitchen- he said, sounding like he had run a marathon - Come quick, please?- he asked.

I put my jacket on and said - I'm coming, I'm coming. Don't worry-.

- And, please, bring everything with you- He said.

- Why? What kind of thing is it?- I asked confused.

Usually John had a few things of his own to fight the monsters we always encountered. The usual monsters. Suddenly I felt a chill going through my spine - Is not a shadow man, is it?- I asked. I didn't wanted to fight those guys again.

- What? No!- John said - It's something completly different, dude. I can't seem to kill it. Not in the silent way-.

- Wait, what?- I asked, confused - The silent way?-

Strange. John would burn his own house if that ment to get rid of a monster. I mean, he was more into this whole paranormal thing than me. Why did he wanted to be silent about this? This had to more complex than just another killing.

- John?- I asked, serious - What the hell is going on?-

- What do you mean?..I just told you- he said.

- John- I repeated - WHAT is going on?-

He fell into silence for a moment.

- I...I have a chick in my room- He suddenly whispered, like he thought the mosnter might hear him and decided to go for her.

Ah? John trying to keep a lady out of risk from a monster? John has never even being polite to a girl on a date, less try and kill a monster in total silence. for one That was his charm! Being a total douche, or at least reasonable.

Trying to fight in silence?...Is was like having no problem going at it in total darkness , against a dude wearing night vision goggles.

What the hell is wrong with him tonight?, I thought.

- Okay. I'll see you there- I said quickly and hang up.

That actually frightened me.


	3. Chapter 3

When I entered the apartment, the place was pitch black, for the exception of the light of the moon hitting the rug. I could only hear the sound of soft hissing coming from the kitchen.

The door was closed but the lights were on. As I walked towards it , I could see the shadow of something...large, dragging across the floor.

Then I heard a chair falling to the floor.

Then several loud bangs, like pans being hit with something leathery.

- Dave!- I heard John whisper from somewhere near.

I turned and then I saw him. Behind the couch.

I frowned as I remembered seeing him just like that, the night that he first took the sauce. He was in his underwear and also sweating, but in this ocassion he had his bat with him. He was holding it close.

- John? Why the ...- I said and John Shused me immidetly.

But apparently it was to loud and too late, because we heard a big bang against the door and the wood craked.

Damn?! I thought, How strong is this thing?!

- Come here, Dave- He whispered and gestured me to go behind the couch as well. I rolled my eyes and went behind the we kneeled behind the furniture and passed him the shotgun .

- Now tell me... really... what happened?- I whispered.

- Okay, okay- whispered John - It's just... I really don't know, Dave-

- What do you mean?- I asked.

- I just don't know- he whispered - I went to my gig at this chick 's house. Melanie or Melissa, whaterever, alright?. And everything went great. We rock and I as always, kicked total ass. Made all the girls wet their pants, okay? And I notice this really cute chick, totally eyebanging me from behind the crowd. So... I finished the last song, got off stage, sais hi to some fans and tried to search for her. But I couldn't find her. So, went to get a beer. Next thing I know, the chick was next to me, waiting me to fill my cup. She didn't said much, so I just took her for ride. I bought some nachos and came back to my crib. She didn't want any, so I ate a few and then we start to made out in the couch...-.

- ...And then you went to your room to have sex, right- I whispered.

- No- he wispered back, shaking his head - We had sex on the couch-.

Whe he said that, I quickly moved my hand from it. Gross.

- And she didn't cared about the nachos?- I asked. I mean, I was John best friend and even I was suddenly disguted when John started to eat those things.

John suddenly chuckled, placing his hand on his mouth, trying not make any noise. - -That chick- he said, holding his laughter - That girl is a freak!- he whispered.

- Finish your story!- I whispered, disgusted.

- Okay, So...- He said - We went to bed. Let's say around two hours later,I woke up. I heard some noise coming from outside. When I opened my window and saw nothing, I went to the bathroom to take a leak. Suddenly, when I going back to the room, I heard the same noise, but now coming from the living room. The room was dark, so I turn the light on and...-he stops talking and makes a gesture- There it was, that fucking THING, in the middle of the fucking living room- he whispered, angry, with his teeth tight. - I almost shit myself-.

- What is this thing?- I asked, a little too loud as I heard the same noise on the door. The wood cracked even more.

- Dave!- John whispered, hitting me in the shoulder.

- Is like a large...snake and something else- he said.

- What do you mean?- I asked.

- Is like a snake, but has a face, like a person...and two arms. But is more like a snake than a person...I guess. I didn't had that much time to look. I start hitting it with the bat right away- John said.

- Okay- I said - So what's your plan?- I asked.

- I don't know. I was wondering if you had one- He said.

I looked at him and pointed at the shotgun - I brought you the shotgun for a reason, John. Not just to look pretty in your hands- I said.

- But this is too loud and she might wake up- John then, said, looking worried.

That's when I kinda... lost it for a bit.

- John, I didn't came out my house, were I was sleeping, because I was TIRED, just for you to whine about the methods to kill a monster -I said loudly, standing up and walking away from the couch. I didn't cared when the wood cracked again and heard a loud hiss behind the wood. John whispered desperately - Dave! Shut up!-

-John, Pull you shit together and kill this thing already!- I said.

And that's when the crack turn into a whole.

John stood up and yelled - My door!- He put his hand on his hand and then whispered - Shit! The girl...-

- FUCK the girl- I said.

John looked at me and grinned. The asshole, even in a moment of danger, even when I was about to beat the shit out if him for fucking around...he still had his mind in the gutter.

- You know what I mean!- I said, angry.

A loud hiss came from the hole and we both turned to look at the only light in the room. You could see the kitchen with it, it was big enough to put your hand in. Not like we thought of John. Maybe John thought of that, in his stupid and so not like john attempt to make things quietly.

Then the light went off as something pressed itself against the hole.

The room went dark again.

Until...it's... eye opened.

Gold.

Huge.

It was like a sun being light into existence. I stop breathing and step backwards.

The thing looked at us, in silence, for a few seconds, before hissing deeply. The hiss was so deep and it's body was so close to the door, that the wood shook from it.

- You are right- Suddenly I heard John said. He had stop whispering - We need to use the shotgun, now-.

I heard John cocking the shotgun.

But in that same moment, the thing dragged itself away from the door.

We looked at each other's faces , lighted by the hole. What was that thing about to do, I thought.

And then... we heard it.

Hiss, Hiss, Hissssssss.


	4. Chapter 4

The living room furniture started to move on it's own, or at least that's what it seemed.

- What the hell?- I asked.

I moved slowly towards the living room switch and turn the lights on.

I wish I hadn't.

A...sea...of snakes covered the floor, wall to wall. Not only little one, but big ones also. I almost screamed, when I saw one starting to go up my leg. John yelp and Jump on the couch.

- Dave! Come on!- he yelled and stretched his arms to grab me.

I jumped as far as I could and thank go I land near John enough fro him to take my arm and help me go on the couch.

The couch was riding the sea of snakes like a small boat on soft waves. John and I had to grab the furniture hard not to fall.

- What the hell are we going to do?- I yelled.

- I have no idea- he said.

We just hold to the couch for a few moments, as it moved up and down, withy snakes going under it and beginning to get on it.

Suddenly, we turned from looking at the snakes, to the door of John's bedroom.

We just looked with our mouths open, the figure that opened the door. The girl who John had slept with earlier in the night, came out of the bedroom, wearing one of John's shirts. She was blonde, around 5'5, green eyes, skinny and with a very, very, very, very, Goddammit John! VERY "youthful" looking face. She walked slowly, rubbing her eyes, not noticing at all the snakes that were surrounding her feet, or us, riding the couch like snake surfers. He went from John's room to the bathroom next to it. The snakes didn't seem to notice her either and just continue to drag on the floor.

She entered the bathroom and closed the door behind her.

- Man! that was weird!- John said looking at me, pleasantly surprised - She must still be kinda asleep-.

I looked at John with a horrified expression and he started to check in case he had snakes on him. When he realized he hadn't, with one arm holding the edge of the sofa, he shrugged and said - What?-

- I hope I'm not seeing the same girl you did tonight and this is all a big demon joke on us!- I exclaimed - Don't tell me she is blonde...-

- Short, kinda flat chested...yeah?.- He added.

-Oh, god! John!- I exclaimed, appalled, pointing at the bathroom door- She is not flat chested...not really!- I said.

- She kinda is- He said, giving me a grin of "Well, I saw her naked and you didn't " , which pissed me off even more - I know she's not my usual type of girl. I really liked them to be more full on top, but...-

- What I meant, is that girl doesn't even LOOK 18!- I interrupted.

- Well...- John frowned, reflecting on my words - I ...maybe I...didn't ask her how old she was- he said, with a guilty look.

- John!- I exclaimed.

- She didn't talk much, dude! She just continued to nod or shake her head! I forgot, Okay?!- He yelled, trying to apologize.

- How can you forget to ask a girl how old she is, if she even looks like she's fucking jail bait, John!- I yelled back - We are not just in trouble with that thing. now God forbid that she tells the police and they end up adding child molester to my record!-.

- Relax, Dave!- John said as he moved from the part of the couch where the snakes where starting to go up - You are not going anywhere and neither am I-.

Suddenly, it seemed that the old John was back. But then he said something that made me want to jump and got bit by all those snakes - I'm in love with her and she kinda digs me too, so she probably won't tell nobody-.

WHAT...THE...FUCK?! I thought. John... IN LOVE?!

I just stared at him, in shock, for a long moment. I couldn't breathe , I couldn't think. I just wanted to shake John violently, slap him and ask WHO the FUCK are you?. But suddenly, we heard something bang at the kitchen door.

BANG, BANG,BANG!

The kitchen door swung open and I finally saw what had being dragging around in John's kitchen. I didn't knew what was more scary and out of this world. John's sudden love confession or this guy...thing.

It was massive snake thing, with black and green scales. And I mean thing, because like John said, it had arms and a face, but you couldn't really call it a man, because it was more anaconda like, than human.

It looked right at us and opened it's big mouth. Two enormous needle like fangs were presented to us and I just thought of the possibilities of dying on it's hands. Probably not just killed, but crushed and swallowed too. All of that and still alive, but frozen by the poison that those fangs carried.

John pointed the shotgun at the thing and I hid behind him.

The thing looked really pissed now and shudder like a rattlesnake tale while focusing in the shotgun being pointed at it.

For a moment, I thought It was preparing to jump us, but what it was doing,after times and times thinking about it,was concentrating.

The same thing it did against the kitchen door. And with the same effect, because when John yelled - Now die, you stupid thing- And pulled the trigger, the shotgun didn't went off. All of a sudden, john's arm started shaking- It's heavy!- He yelled , looking at the weapon.

The face that he made when snakes started to came out the barrel was not if horror, but certainly john became frightened.-Jesus!- He said, letting go.-john! What are we going to do!- i screamed.

He just picked up the bat again, that was laying on the couch and prepare himself for a battle he clearly would lose.

I prepared myself mentally to feel my bones being broken one by one by the creature.

But then, everything stop again as we felt the toilet being flushed.

The door opened and the young girl came out, just like before she walked without noticing us at all. Even the monster seemed shocked by her indifference.

Well, that's what i thought in that moment.

But in the exact moment the girl was about to walk inside the room, she suddenly stopped. And turned around.

Her expression first was one of confusion, looking around at the me, then at john, then at the creature, then at the million serpents playing on the floor, then at john again, who just whispered embarrassed - Hey, baby!- .

Then back at the creature and that's when I realized the possible meaning of all this. When her face, instead of changing to one of horror and scream her ass off, changed to one of total indignation.

Her mouth opened and she yelled something at the creature.

Something i couldn't comprehend. It sounded like the sounds people do when they spit.

She started walking towards the snake thing, with her hands on her waist, angry. That's when I noticed why she didn't felt the snakes in the first place. They were not touching her feet. Every time she placed a step on the floor, they would clear the path.

Her ramblings continued and I couldn't understand anything, but apparently John could, because he yelled- You KNOW this dude?-.

It was the obvious thing, I thought.

Well...He didn't ate her.

But John didn't sounded surprised, he sounded jealous.

The girl turn around and looked at John, then shrugged and said something. John became sad when he heard what she said.

- He's your ...husband?- he asked, pouting, sounding disappointed.

I was surprised.

Not of the fact that John could understand a language that clearly was not from this earth, but that this whole ordeal was just a horror version of a soap opera, with the choleric husband being played by a six foot snake monster.

John fell sat in the couch, sad and the snakes make way for his butt. That' s when i sigh in relief, because i knew the whole thing was over.

The girl pouted at John and walked to cup his face between her hands.

She said something to him, in a sweet and tender voice, from I only could understand the word "Johnny".

He smiled at her like a sweet idiot and whispered - Oh, Okay. I guess I can live with that-.

The girl pressed a kiss on John's forehead and let go of his face.

The three of us saw her get into John's room, probably to change. She smiled at us as we sat in the couch...and stand in the living room, in the case of the monster. I bet she thought we looked a trio of idiots Like he same type of idiots you see fighting for a girl on parties. The girl shows up and they stop killing each other and turn into children.

John looked at the monster and grinned. The monster looked at him and hissed in disgust.

- I like your scales- John said to it - They are really shiny-.

The monster said nothing, just looked away.

I looked at both and rolled my eyes.


	5. Chapter 5

The sun started to rise in the horizon, while john waved goodbye to the strange couple that walked...and dragged itself away from his crib.

I stared at John's face.

He looked melancholic.

Suddenly, the girl and the monster disappeared into thin air and a John changed his expression. Like a veil was being lifted from his eyes.

- John?- I asked , as he shook his head and blinked hard several times.

- Yeah?- he said, while frowning, like trying to resolve something in his head.

- What did she said?- I asked.

I was curious, really. I wanted to know what he had heard, what he had know about her and maybe the place she came from, in those small conversations with the strange and pretty girl. If that was what she was.

- She told me she loved me...and other things- He said.

- Oh..Well, sorry dude- I said, grinning.

- Why?- he asked, confused.

-You seemed to really like her. And she was married...and now she's gone- I answered, more confused.

- Well. Yeah...- He said - Is a bummer...I guess-.

I frowned at this.

John, suddenly looked like nothing had happened. Like a six foot monster hadn't tried to kill him for some chick, who revealed to be his wife and who probably wasn't human either.

In that moment, still frowning, John just turned and went back inside.

When I tried to follow him, he just slammed the door on my face. Wish I still think was rude, even he was probably traumatized in some way.

- John?- I knocked.

Nobody answered.

After ten minutes of standing in the cold morning, I just groaned - Okay, I'll just go home, then-.

After that , John didn't spoke to ne in three days.

But when he did, he didn't mentioned any of the things that happened that day.

At least for a while.

-Yig- Once, he said.

We were wating to shoot this goo monster and it came out nowhere.

- What?- I asked.

-Serpent dude- he said and went back to what he was doing.

Later, I started to noticed that every time he revealed something about that night, his face changed to the same he had when that chick cupped his face with her hands and said those things to him. Like he was in a love trance. That was a little scary for both of us, as they kinda came out of nowhere, sometimes in the most unusual cases.

Like in the middle of one of his concerts. Or the bathroom. Or like I said, in the middle of missions.

But it was only for seconds. Seconds when he revealed the most strange things.

Like...

"She's not really Human. She is a monster. But not really"

" Yihdra. That's her name. I might write a song for her"

"I'm so in love with her. Don't care she's married to that serpent dude".

" I'm fine not being the only one she loves. But I hope the others are monsters. I want to be the handome one".

"I might immortal now, Dave. So...you hold the shotgun. I'm fine with the bat."

" Pity she doesn't have a cellphone number. I can feel her when she come, you know?"

Seconds...then came back to normal mode.

The last thing he said to me was about three weeks ago and it was in the middle of us and Amy, going to eat some burritos. I was driving, while John was changing the radio station. Amy sat behind me, holding my seat while looking at him.

Amy was the one keeping track of the phrases. All the ones that I mentioned before where remembered by her. I don't know why, maybe is a chick thing, but Amy thought that was so romantic and that's why she remembered them.

Suddenly, John just stopped changing the dial and sighed - I'm to young to be a father. But ...whatever...you know?- he shrugged.

I hit the breaks and abruptly stop.

Me and Amy just snapped at him and yelled - What?!-

Well...that was unexpected...Even for John.

Because, in the moment he snapped back to himself and came down that pink romance novella cloud he was in, he just whispered surprised - shit...- And looked at us with wide eyes.

God lord! I hope it was just a though.

Now I'm afraid every time we come face to face with some monster from another dimension, he'll look at John and will start to call him papa. I don't want to imagine how scared shitless John might be.

But that's his goddamn fault.


End file.
